b’tayavon! (Or, as they say in France, Bon appetit!) 24/07/2009

Jewish holidays are often boiled down to three simple sentences- they tried to kill us. We survived. Let’s eat! Truth be told, there’s a reason that this joke resonates. Judaism is a religion where food is tied closely to holidays; and customs, rituals and culture all come together when one sits down at the dining room table. I had Shabbat dinner tonight with my adopted family here on the Kibbutz. Even though the father is Israeli and the mother is from New Zealand we all had one thing in common- a shared fondness for Shabbat. (Well, that and a deep love of the Boston Celtics.) Our cultures, life perspectives and narratives might be very different- but a hearty l’chaim and a shared challah brought us together.

A recent conversation with my friend E. brought us to the subject of intermarriage. Perhaps a post for another time, my views on the subject can be summed up in one simple thought: intermarriage is not a problem, unless we make it a problem.That being said, E. asked me if I actively sought out Jews versus Non-Jews in my personal (non-existent) romantic life. I’m not sure if I’m interested in limiting myself in any way, but one thing I find important is being able to share your passions with another individual. In my world, one  such passion is Shabbat dinner. I told E. that I would draw the line at someone who wasn’t interested in joining me for a Shabbat dinner, before I would rule someone of a different faith out. I’m more than fine with someone having different life views than me, just as long as they’re receptive to mine, and enthusiastic about freshly baked Challah.

Shabbat dinner is a chance to relax with people you enjoy, and to share in good food. Back in Boston, my grad student friends and I have Shabbat dinners fairly regularly. Within the setting of a laid back pot-luck dinner, friendships are defined, the week is reflected upon, and the tradition of celebrating with loved ones is continued. Food is one of the few things in life that appeals to all of your senses– taste, smell, look, feel…. even sound. There’s nothing more distinctive than the sound of something sizzling on the stove, or the crackle of a good campfire for outdoor eating.

Dane tends to the Fire

Last night we had an outdoor feast in celebration of an interns birthday. Carrying backpacks filled with vegetables, meat, firewood and drinks, we trekked 20 odd minutes up a mountain to a simple hut overlooking the Arava valley. Had I realized just how far the hike would be, I certainly would have sat the evening out on account of my current stomach pains. However, this was one case when having no real idea just how long one might be wandering in the desert proved to be a blessing in disguise. Watching the sun set over Jordan and the stars slowly emerge against the clear, dark sky was a once in a lifetime experience punctuated by guitar music, laughter and the smokey aroma of outdoor cooking.

I welcome any excuse to get together with friends and eat. Well, that actually might be a giant lie. As someone who tends to be a loner, it could be more apropos to say, “I might not realize it at the time, and I might forget to seek it out, but in the end, having a set schedule and reason to get together for a meal is important.” We get busy in our lives, and it’s very tempting to take the easy way out. Dinners can always be postponed, meals can be grabbed on the run, and old fast food wrappers can always be tossed in the back seat to make room for yet another drive-through meal. Shabbat forces you to stop what you’re doing and to take a look around. I need to remind myself to enjoy my surroundings, to appreciate not just the meal, but the thing that brings us together– friendship. community. tradition. Shabbat dinner is a weekly reminder of these very things.

Jews or non-Jews, Israeli, American or New Zealanders, even Celtics fans and those who haven’t yet seen the basketball light, a tradition of a good meal is an important one.

(Apologies if this post seems a little forced, my stomach bug is zapping not only my energy but my creative mojo. In fact, if you happen to see my creativity running around, can you send it back this way? It’s sorely missed.)

A few thoughts (probably a few too many) 17/07/2009

Deep Thoughts in Aquaba

Earlier today I was chatting with my friend Rachel, and I mentioned, just casually, how I didn’t feel anything when I was at Services lately. This wasn’t a huge revelation, or meant to start a long conversation on faith. It was just a fact. I was feeling spiritually numb, and not too concerned about it. I went to services this evening expecting to have the same experience- a nice chance to ground myself, see other people, and to be followed with a busy dinner in the dining hall, a dinner that would make me feel a bit nervous due to all the people and need for small talk.

I haven’t been going to services regularly in the past year. However, back when I was, I had my own grounding ritual, one that I brought here with me. During silent prayer, I go over each day of my week, starting with the most recent day, and stretching back to the previous Saturday. It provided quite an important opportunity to reflect, especially during times when I’m so busy that it actually physically hurts the brain to try to remember what i did 3 days ago- let alone a whole weeks worth of days! I’ll think about the things i’ve seen, done and learned over the past week, from the mundane to the more traumatic, contemplating ways to grow or change, things to do to improve myself.  However, this evening I decided not to look back over my week or to actively seek a connection- I was tired of feeling disappointed. Instead, I  simply closed my eyes and tried to be aware of my surroundings, no expectations, no process, just listening. While swaying ever so slightly side to side, I concentrated on the voices in the room, from the enthusiastic and very loud, to the shy and less sure. I felt the breeze from the window, and imagined where the wind had been, thought about the land I was standing on, and the history of the place where I am– not just of the past 30 years of Ketura, but further back, letting my mind drift from image to image. I thought about who else had heard these same words, swayed to these same melodies, and who else might have questioned their own purpose and faith, or tested their own journey to the backdrop of these prayers. Guided only by the music around me, I thought not of myself, or of my hope to feel a connection or a sense of calm. I simply listened….

Tonight is the first time in a long time that I have felt something other than simply “relaxed” after services. And…. I think it’s because I decided to stop forcing the experience. So often in life we have our expectations of how things should feel, or how we want things to happen. I know I am very guilty of thinking “once I do this…” or “if I could only have this….” my life will actually start. It’s very cliche to say that life is a journey, not a destination, but perhaps its cliche for a reason. Perhaps its cliche because, well… its TRUE. If you’re reading this, please don’t think that I have an idea of how to live one’s life successfully; after-all, you’re looking at a girl who just washed a weeks worth of clothing in the sink with Old Spice body wash. So, please take any and all rambleing with a grain of salt- its hot here in the desert, and sometimes we think big thoughts that end up being a bit silly. However, when I left services I felt both lighter and heavier than I have since arriving and I was taken aback at how red the mountains of Jordan were in the distance– how awe inspiring their beauty was.  I decided instead of heading to a Shabbat dinner that would inevitably cue my social anxiety, I would go for a walk.

On my walk I ruminated more about this idea of expectations for ones life, and the fact that you can actually miss the point when you’re so busy concentrating on how you think you want things to be. I remember talking to a friend sometime within the last year, and she was commented on how she just couldn’t wait to be married– and it seemed obvious to me that she was missing the point- life was already happening, she didn’t need to wait for one event to start her life. But, it’s not easy to see that in yourself- in fact, it’s almost impossible. I know that I can become consumed by the things I haven’t accomplished, or what I don’t have in my life, and those holes of lacking become so heavy, there’s nothing but overwhelming weight, too dark to fight off.

With these thoughts in mind, and the back drop of the most beautiful sunset one might ever see, I started to make a reverse bucket list– not a list of things I hope to one day do, but a list of all the amazing things that I have accomplished, witnessed and felt in my life already. Some of my list was incredibly happy and made me feel quite proud– the feel of the stone in the buildings of Oxford when I studied there, realizing the amazing minds who had also touched these very walls while learning. Some made me  laugh– like thinking about watching Jesus Christ SuperStar over and over with Stef after feeling too defeated by the 2004 election to create new thoughts, or our many late night treks to 711 for string cheese and slurpees in the name of academia. Some of it was incredibly sad– thinking of leading the unveiling ceremony for my grandmothers gravestone. Others brought back mixed emotions- like remembering Rocky, or thinking about playing outside in the old Highland Park house, or the times I had with High School friends who are no longer a part of my life. It’s clear thinking back over 27 years that I have been incredibly blessed with travel opportunities, a loving and supportive family and more adventures than I can count. I have done a great many things, and each one of those experiences was a chance to be alive, to not just create a memory, or to carve a path for the future, but an experience in itself to be treasured.

I know I worry all the time- is my life moving forward, what do i have to show for myself, will I ever reach this point, or that point, will I ever find that person…..  I think I need to stop and think more often of a very simple statement that my friend Allie once made while we were traveling. “This is my life”. That’s all- just “this is my life.” The next time I see something amazing, or even something commonplace that catches my eye, I need to take a step back and realize just how fantastic MY life really is… even with pain and sadness, we experience so much, and we miss so much because we are so concerned about how things will turn out, or how things might look from the outside.

Even with all that, I feel that I would be amiss to not quickly mention my adventure to Jordan yesterday. Perhaps a longer post is in order for tomorrow, but suffice to say, I had a great time visiting the town of Aquaba. I learned about the development of the city, and the stress between the traditional markets and the new malls, as well as the dangers to the corral reefs and the native plants and animals of the area. More to come tomorrow….

Border Crossing as envisioned by Dr. Seuss

A Kibbutznik life for me 10/07/2009

I don’t want to break my streak of writing daily, but there is little to report from this small corner of the world. I had planned on going to Elat today, a small (slightly touristy) beach town not too far from here. However, when morning rolled around I started to worry about buses and the temptations of spending too much money on things I don’t need, and decided to stay here. I think my transformation to a kibbutznik is almost complete; as it is, I don’t have any desire to leave, despite being in the middle of nowhere with no stores, restaurants or entertainment. I’m early to bed and early to rise, and when I encountered an entire bus load of American teenagers invading the pool this afternoon, I immediately viewed them as suspect interlopers.

Israel has such a strange culture. There are many thing about being here that remind me of laid back simple life in the Caribbean. There’s a very “no problem” attitude, where details are worked out later, no one worries about the little things and everything is exceedingly causal. Yet, somehow, at the same exact time, things can be very inflexible and intense. I was describing my surroundings in an email the other day while at the office and I wrote, “someone in the next office is yelling loudly in Hebrew. This is what Israel is too me– someone yelling, someone else’s phone ringing so often that their ring tone is stuck in my head, yet at the same time…. everything is so laid back. How can a place be both so intense and relaxed? I think thats the real mystery of Israel- and perhaps the miracle of the Jewish people.” I think equally appropriate was the response I received, “hah! i remember all of the yelling. especially people yelling at each other for reasons that, in the states, we wouldn’t even mention. (shalavtah al-yad haOfanaim sheli!) but at the same time, people are always so lax about getting anywhere on time or keeping appointments. it always used to drive me nuts”.

But, as per usual, I’ve digressed. Back to the point– I didn’t leave the Kibbutz today. Instead, I enjoyed a leisurely breakfast and headed back to the caravan for a nap. It was so hot today that the power went out (at least, thats one explanation I heard), so I woke up from my nap when I realized that there was no air conditioning. Not to be deterred, I grabbed my book and my ipod and headed to lunch, ready for the second half of the day. 45 minutes, one large salad and an ice cream later, I was settled in at the pool for the afternoon. Tonight was Shabbat services– I think the reflection I need to do on my own feelings during services might need to occur off-line before I make it public, but I do promise to share my spiritual journey as well, I just need to get a better handle on it first. Dinner was a lovely occasion in the dining hall. Annie and I were invited to eat with the families of two faculty members–Sharon and Tareq. Tareq is an Arab who permanently calls Ketura home, and he has three beautiful young daughters. I’m going to be working more closely with him in August on issues of renewable energy. Sharon, whose four boys balanced out the ratio at the table, is in charge of the alumni network for AEIS. The conversation with Sharon was a very unique glance into the life of an American who has been in Israel for about 20 years, and she shared a bit of how her views towards things like the Army service have grown and developed- particularly when imagining the future for her boys.

After dinner I stopped by briefly for dessert with a group of interns. However, those youngin’s stay up far past my bedtime, so I took my leave and am now headed to bed. Hopes that the high doses of Vitamin D in the sunlight here would cure all my woes have yet to come to fruition, but with everyone’s laid back attitude my lunch time & post work naps (and early bedtime) don’t seem too weird to anyone. Shabbat Shalom, friends and family! I miss you all!