Deep Thoughts in Aquaba
Earlier today I was chatting with my friend Rachel, and I mentioned, just casually, how I didn’t feel anything when I was at Services lately. This wasn’t a huge revelation, or meant to start a long conversation on faith. It was just a fact. I was feeling spiritually numb, and not too concerned about it. I went to services this evening expecting to have the same experience- a nice chance to ground myself, see other people, and to be followed with a busy dinner in the dining hall, a dinner that would make me feel a bit nervous due to all the people and need for small talk.
I haven’t been going to services regularly in the past year. However, back when I was, I had my own grounding ritual, one that I brought here with me. During silent prayer, I go over each day of my week, starting with the most recent day, and stretching back to the previous Saturday. It provided quite an important opportunity to reflect, especially during times when I’m so busy that it actually physically hurts the brain to try to remember what i did 3 days ago- let alone a whole weeks worth of days! I’ll think about the things i’ve seen, done and learned over the past week, from the mundane to the more traumatic, contemplating ways to grow or change, things to do to improve myself. However, this evening I decided not to look back over my week or to actively seek a connection- I was tired of feeling disappointed. Instead, I simply closed my eyes and tried to be aware of my surroundings, no expectations, no process, just listening. While swaying ever so slightly side to side, I concentrated on the voices in the room, from the enthusiastic and very loud, to the shy and less sure. I felt the breeze from the window, and imagined where the wind had been, thought about the land I was standing on, and the history of the place where I am– not just of the past 30 years of Ketura, but further back, letting my mind drift from image to image. I thought about who else had heard these same words, swayed to these same melodies, and who else might have questioned their own purpose and faith, or tested their own journey to the backdrop of these prayers. Guided only by the music around me, I thought not of myself, or of my hope to feel a connection or a sense of calm. I simply listened….
Tonight is the first time in a long time that I have felt something other than simply “relaxed” after services. And…. I think it’s because I decided to stop forcing the experience. So often in life we have our expectations of how things should feel, or how we want things to happen. I know I am very guilty of thinking “once I do this…” or “if I could only have this….” my life will actually start. It’s very cliche to say that life is a journey, not a destination, but perhaps its cliche for a reason. Perhaps its cliche because, well… its TRUE. If you’re reading this, please don’t think that I have an idea of how to live one’s life successfully; after-all, you’re looking at a girl who just washed a weeks worth of clothing in the sink with Old Spice body wash. So, please take any and all rambleing with a grain of salt- its hot here in the desert, and sometimes we think big thoughts that end up being a bit silly. However, when I left services I felt both lighter and heavier than I have since arriving and I was taken aback at how red the mountains of Jordan were in the distance– how awe inspiring their beauty was. I decided instead of heading to a Shabbat dinner that would inevitably cue my social anxiety, I would go for a walk.
On my walk I ruminated more about this idea of expectations for ones life, and the fact that you can actually miss the point when you’re so busy concentrating on how you think you want things to be. I remember talking to a friend sometime within the last year, and she was commented on how she just couldn’t wait to be married– and it seemed obvious to me that she was missing the point- life was already happening, she didn’t need to wait for one event to start her life. But, it’s not easy to see that in yourself- in fact, it’s almost impossible. I know that I can become consumed by the things I haven’t accomplished, or what I don’t have in my life, and those holes of lacking become so heavy, there’s nothing but overwhelming weight, too dark to fight off.
With these thoughts in mind, and the back drop of the most beautiful sunset one might ever see, I started to make a reverse bucket list– not a list of things I hope to one day do, but a list of all the amazing things that I have accomplished, witnessed and felt in my life already. Some of my list was incredibly happy and made me feel quite proud– the feel of the stone in the buildings of Oxford when I studied there, realizing the amazing minds who had also touched these very walls while learning. Some made me laugh– like thinking about watching Jesus Christ SuperStar over and over with Stef after feeling too defeated by the 2004 election to create new thoughts, or our many late night treks to 711 for string cheese and slurpees in the name of academia. Some of it was incredibly sad– thinking of leading the unveiling ceremony for my grandmothers gravestone. Others brought back mixed emotions- like remembering Rocky, or thinking about playing outside in the old Highland Park house, or the times I had with High School friends who are no longer a part of my life. It’s clear thinking back over 27 years that I have been incredibly blessed with travel opportunities, a loving and supportive family and more adventures than I can count. I have done a great many things, and each one of those experiences was a chance to be alive, to not just create a memory, or to carve a path for the future, but an experience in itself to be treasured.
I know I worry all the time- is my life moving forward, what do i have to show for myself, will I ever reach this point, or that point, will I ever find that person….. I think I need to stop and think more often of a very simple statement that my friend Allie once made while we were traveling. “This is my life”. That’s all- just “this is my life.” The next time I see something amazing, or even something commonplace that catches my eye, I need to take a step back and realize just how fantastic MY life really is… even with pain and sadness, we experience so much, and we miss so much because we are so concerned about how things will turn out, or how things might look from the outside.
Even with all that, I feel that I would be amiss to not quickly mention my adventure to Jordan yesterday. Perhaps a longer post is in order for tomorrow, but suffice to say, I had a great time visiting the town of Aquaba. I learned about the development of the city, and the stress between the traditional markets and the new malls, as well as the dangers to the corral reefs and the native plants and animals of the area. More to come tomorrow….
Border Crossing as envisioned by Dr. Seuss
